The Horny Paradigm: A Detective Story by Robert A. Kaiser

Mysterious Lady “Never underestimate the power of a sexy lady” I was about to wrap it up for the day when I was rudely interrupted by a knock on my office door. “Who the hell would be looking for me at this late hour?” I muttered as I jammed the scotch bottle back into my desk. It was already 4 o’clock, my secretary was gone, and it was well into my usual cocktail hour. Way too late for any serious business. “Enter!” I bellowed. The door slid open quietly. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief as I made out the form of a very sexy female. “Are you the great Dan Francisco I’ve heard so much about,” she purred as she came closer into the dimness of my low-watt desk light. “Yes, I guess I am,” I stammered. She was middle aged but well preserved. Her long flowing blonde hair fell in ringlets over prominent breasts exposed just enough to make any red-blooded man’s heart pound. She was dressed in a dark suit that fit tightly around her slim waist but allowed her shapely legs to be viewed well above the knees. I hoped she wouldn’t notice I hadn’t seen such a comely client in years, as most of my customers were worn-out ladies attempting to discover their husband’s extramarital affairs. “What can I do for you?” I said as I finally managed to refocus on business. “I‘d like to hire you for a confidential assignment involving missing information that’s vital I recover.” Without revealing my personal thoughts involving some off-color remarks I could have used, I pushed forward with my usual incisive line of questioning. “What the hell are you talking about?” “I’m not at liberty to give you details at this time but I‘ll tell you I’ll pay handsomely for your time and expenses to get what I want.” “Well, you know I’ve got other pressing work to deal with before I can commit my full attention to your problem,” I said as I hid the wry grin at such a bald face lie. The truth was that she was my first client in days and I was on the verge of closing down due to some crazy policies requiring payment for minor commodities such as electricity, gas and telephone lines. “You must make this your sole project from now on or there’s no deal. I’m prepared to pay you $5000 up front and $100 an hour plus expenses. But if I find you’re not giving full attention to the matter I won’t only cut you off without further payment, but I‘ll see to it that you’re license to operate in this town will be pulled. You see, I’ve got connections with high-ranking officials here who owe me more than a shitload of favors. You get it?” “All right, already,” I said as I quickly gave in. “I got it. You’ve given me no choice but to agree to your terms. When do we start?” “Right now, Mr. Dan. I knew you’d see it my way. After all, I’m not known as Hard-Dealin’ Helen for nothin’.” “OK doll. What’s your real name and where do we go from here?” “You can find me at this address, any time,” she said as she handed me a business card. The name “Helen Horny” was embossed in big letters at the top. “And don’t give me any smart remarks about my name. I’m very sensitive about that, although it‘s helped me many times to get what I want. “You’re first order of business is to find a man called Dr. Bob Bitchin. He’s a physics researcher who worked with my late husband, Dr. Harry Horny. He recently disappeared under suspicious circumstances. You’ll find his laboratory address and what we know about him on the back of my card. Please call me when you know something worth my time. Limit your use of email and text messages, as we want all of this to be strictly confidential. You understand?” “Yeah, I guess so. But I need to know more about the nature of the information you’re looking for. And what does Dr. Bob have to do with it?” “You’ll find out in due time. Right now it’s better you don’t know everything as it may come back to bite you.” “That’s not much help, dammit. I’ve got another question. When do I get my money? I’m a little short right now as some of my clients have decided not to pay.” “No need to lie about it Mr. Dan. I know you’re about to go under. This should tide you over,” she said as she pulled a wad of bills from her purse and tossed them on my desk. “If you need more, just call the number on the card.” Before I could unravel the bundle of scratch, she was gone. But it didn’t seem to matter at the time as the bills were all 100’s totaling close to 5 G’s. More than I’d seen in many moons. She must be dead serious about this mysterious job for reasons I hopefully would discover later. So what do I do now? I spent the rest of the night trying to decipher the few facts the lady had scratched out on the back of her card. The man called Dr. Robert Bitchin had worked for a government contractor called Energy Incorporated located here in San Francisco. He was last seen with his girlfriend at Bangers Bar, one of the few joints in town I wasn’t familiar with. He was described as a bald headed middle-aged male with a fully-grown beard who wore dark glasses. Definitely not much to go on, but it was a start. Following my normal routine, I checked in with my loyal manservant, Awshit Sing. He made his usual report. No one had tried to contact me at my apartment that day. I told him I had a new assignment that would allow me to pay him some of his back wages. For the first time in weeks I slept like a baby knowing I could keep the business intact and settle up some bar bills. Authors note: If this opening chapter reminds you of previous novels you’ve read or old movies you’ve seen, you’re right! It’s my updated version of stories of the early ‘40’s & 50’s featuring such tough guys as Bogart, Mitchum, and Spillane! Don’t let that bother you. Please read on. It gets better.